Dating Fails: Missed Connections, Breakups, Boyfriend, Girlfriend

 

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A Periodical for the Periodically Neurotic

dating fails - A Periodical for the Periodically Desperate

Good lord, that majestic prow. It’s made several hundred Valkyries quit their jobs to become stewardesses.

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» See all 52 heartbroken comments

  1. femtrooper says:

    This is why I dont read cosmo, I’d rather be blissfully ignorant about how bad at being a girl I am. ^.^

    • Ren says:

      Cosmo seems like the next step up from teen magazines for girls.

    • Leelee says:

      Considering the headliners are all sarcastic/ironic is it safe to assume that the author of this JPG is also trolling CH? She doesn’t have a very attractive face and anyone who researched her and seen her Playboy pics before she became a whale knows her boobies are fake. I also tried watching Mad Men but gave up after 3 episodes. So she literally has nothing going for her. There’s way hotter contenders my boyfriend can masturbate to without disappointing me.

  2. Blake says:

    I really enjoyed the ‘tone your butt until it is hot enough for you to be offended when guys appreciate it’ headline.
    Also how the hell was Hendricks named the sexiest woman in the world by women polled by Esquire? Her face is not hot, or even warm.

  3. Pixie_Princesse says:

    Lol, I like the “Tickle his prostate with an egg beater”. How would that even work…?
    Really, though, unless you’ve been married a loooooong time, and you guys really need to try something new, I think a lot of men probably wouldn’t be willing to try anal/prostate play. I guess because we live in a society where it’s considered “unmanly” to like having a woman play with your ass…

    • Vivien says:

      Meh, to each their own. Personally, I’d prefer to not have to touch something crap comes out of, but that’s just me. No amount of bleaching can undo the fact you poo from the bung hole, thus my finger is not going near it.
      Same goes for the other way around. Do not touch the pooper. -.-;

      • amanda says:

        Wear a latex glove.

      • atandt says:

        Educate yourselves about assplay and where the poop is stored, guys.
        It’s like saying you wouldn’t do oral or kiss anyone because that’s where other gross stuff comes out of.

        If you’ve cleaned up, then all that awaits you are uncharted nerve endings and a soon-to-be-grateful partner.

        A good instructor is Tristan Taormino: she has some books and videos, and is really helpful for beginners who want to do it safely.

        • JJ Fad says:

          This. Thank you for it.

        • Skittles says:

          Wow considering the discussion resolves around opinions there was no need to call others ignorant for not sharing yours.

        • Vivien says:

          I have educated myself, thank you, and believe it or not, I’m still not interested in observing the poophole any closer than I have to for regular intercourse. It’s a matter of preference. A good instructor may instruct all they intend to, but no amount of direction nor inference is going to stop the mental picture of crap if I’m down there. Thanks for the input, but once again, matter of preference.

    • kindness says:

      Google ‘pegging’, but not from a computer at work.

    • Blake says:

      Personally, I just think using something with sh-it in it for sex is kind of disgusting. But it is also associated with gays, I guess.

    • Jay Gatsby says:

      I wouldn’t let just anyone do that to me. Christina Hendricks, or Taraji P. Henson.

  4. Sigh says:

    This was straight up stolen from Cracked.com

    • Uninspired Required Name says:

      Well since I haven’t ever been to cracked.com, I’m pretty happy about this being posted here, otherwise I wouldn’t have seen it. People need to stop whining that things were “stolen” from some other site. It doesn’t f***ing matter.

  5. Canaduck says:

    My favourite is the article about losing weight by chopping off your leg, haha XD

  6. meruumeruu says:

    that was hilarious and accurate

  7. bobs says:

    CH has a wonderful prow and nothing else matters

  8. Organs says:

    This is awesome!

    Now, if only they’d do a mockery cover of Maxim…

  9. EvilDave says:

    They forgot the “What your man secretly wants written by a woman and edited by a gay man” article.

  10. EvilDave says:

    Has anyone else noticed that magazines for men almost always have women on the cover and magazines for women almost always have women on the cover?

    I really don’t understand why women think magazines written and edited by other women and gay men can tell them what heterosexual men really want.

  11. varenoea says:

    I wish I had anything funny to say, but there’s no way I could make this better.

    This hits the nail on the head.

  12. Pacifix says:

    Nice picture of Christina Hendricks.
    Too bad it has some letters over it.

  13. :D says:

    High flyer: Get him on a plane, touch him on the penis

  14. ixix says:

    Reading the front of the magazine, it almost looks like a joke issue or something … “I had to pay for my own drink” One woman’s horror. Gawd

  15. Chris says:

    That is one of the best things I have read in a long time.

  16. jk says:

    I’m a woman and I don’t take “put downs” from cosmo.

  17. some girl says:

    Cupcakes make a way better boyfriend. Anyone can tell you that, even a man.

  18. RejectFalseIcons says:

    NO!!!!! DON’T DO IT! DON’T MARRY THIS GIRL!!!!!! SHE’LL STEAL YOUR SPACE SHIP!!!!!!!

    Firefly, amIright?

  19. stretched-hole says:

    wait, which end of the eggbeater? O_O


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